postheadericon Since I Found Out About My Husband’s Cheating, He Never Tries To Touch Me

I often hear from wives who are quite confused. Often, after much soul searching and a good deal of effort, they have decided not to automatically turn their back on their cheating husband. Many figure that he will be extremely relieved about this and therefore extremely willing to show his affection and to rebuild their marriage. Instead, the wives are often shocked and disappointed that the husband is not showing any physical affection. Instead, he seems to be avoiding touch. This can leave the wife feeling not only confused but also quite rejected.

I heard from a wife who said: “my husband cheated on me with one of his coworkers. I found out about it because one of my friends works at the same company and she could not help but notice that they were acting inappropriately and were together far too much. Once I confronted my husband with my friend’s concerns, he eventually confessed. He agreed to stop working with her and to cut off all contact. And I agreed to try my best to move past this. I thought that we were off to a decent start but now I’m not so sure. It’s been four weeks since I found out and my husband has made no attempts to touch me. The other day, I even wore a revealing night gown to bed which I know that he likes. Even then, he looked away and made no attempt to reach out to me at all. Why won’t he touch me? Is he no longer attracted to me? Is he thinking of her?” I’ll try to address these questions below.

Try Not To Make Assumptions That May Not Be True: As a wife who has been cheated on, I know first hand that it’s easy and normal to assume that his not reaching out to you means that he doesn’t want to be intimate with you. And when you assume that he doesn’t want to be intimate with you, then you start to worry if there is something wrong with you or with his attraction to you. Try not to jump to these conclusions. His not seeking your touch often has more to do with his doubts about himself than his doubts about you. This leads me to my next point.

He May Feel That He Doesn’t Deserve To Touch You: Many times, if you were to ask the husband why he wasn’t physically reaching out to the wife, he will tell you that he doesn’t want to assume that she wants him to touch her because he knows that he doesn’t deserve to be intimate with her until the marriage has healed and until this has been made right.

So sometimes the wife thinks that he isn’t touching her because he doesn’t want to save the marriage. But sometimes, the opposite is true. He doesn’t touch her because he doesn’t want to jeopardize his ability to save his marriage in the future once a new foundation has been made.

He May Be Afraid That You Will Reject Him: Many men in this situation have a sinking feeling that the second he tries to touch you, then you are going to respond by wincing or by pushing him away. Often, he thinks that his touch is going to repulse you. So he would rather hold off and wait than to risk rejection.

He May Think That Touching You Will Bring Up Undesirable Questions: Often men are reluctant to initiate sex because they know it will bring up obvious questions. He might be worried that you will ask if he did the same thing with the other woman. He might be worried that you will think that he’s over sexed and willing to sleep with whatever woman will allow him to do so. That might be why he would just rather wait and avoid these potential misunderstandings.

How To Handle This: Your need to still feel desired is completely understandable. I felt the same way. And I certainly didn’t think it was fair that I was in the position that I had to make the moves on the same husband who cheated on me. I would suggest giving subtle clues that it’s safe to reach out. Perhaps when things are going well and you are sharing a laugh, you might want to reach out and lightly touch his hand. This will give him clues that you are receptive to him. If this doesn’t work, then you can always just put this issue on the table and talk about it. A suggested script might be something like: “I’ve noticed that you haven’t touched me in four weeks. This makes me feel rejected and unattractive. I don’t expect for us to pick up our physical relationship as if nothing happened. But I do need to feel wanted and desired.”

Again, this lets him know that he doesn’t have to hold off because of a fear of being rejected or misunderstood. With this said, I do recommend moving slowly. You will often want to begin to heal emotionally before you try to resume your physical relationship.

6 Responses to “Since I Found Out About My Husband’s Cheating, He Never Tries To Touch Me”

  • zaclo:

    Right for the past few months Ive being doing some serious soul searching on my relationship but cannot come to a decision. Me and My girlfriend are both 22 and both live in a small town in the west of Ireland. Ok this is a long story but bear with me………..

    Me and Kate started going out at Christmas 2008….this year we’ll be together 3 years. When we first got together I couldnt drive so naturally we couldnt really see each other…nights out in pubs in clubs was the only time we spent together. Then 7 months in I finally got a car and my license so we could now spend time together all the time…..or not! On our first trip in my car she wanted me to drop her to a mates house so I did……However that was the last time she was in my car for another 2 months. I then gathered up some balls and told her how unhappy I was at the fact she never spent time with me so she agreed we should start seeing alot more of eachother and we did….sorta! She would come over to my house once a week! The problem is me and Kate are the only 2 people out of all our friends still living and working in our home town as all our mates are in college so why shes never around baffles me. However at this moment in time we see eachother 3 times a week so that aspect of our relationship is ok now.

    SEX…..Sex is the big taboo subject in our companionship….in 2 and ahalf years together we have had sex 9 times! She claims that this is because we both live with our parents (i know 22 and living at home but its ireland nd im broke) however Im of the opinion that we could easily find opportunitys. 9 times in almost 3 years? Crazy. She also claims shes a bit insecure but surely if she dont feel comfortable around me after this lenght then whats the point???? Majorissue is she hates spending the night with me…at her 21st birtthday party we all went back to her house after the nightclub and had a few drinks….everyone started leaving and her dad goes to me “Liam stay her tonight, there aint no point ringing a taxi at this hour” I said I would but in my mind i was sayin “If kate asks me then Ill stay”
    Few mins later i was in the liveing room and kate was on my knee I was a bit drunk and falling asleep and her mum told me to go up to bed I said i would soon…..5 min later kate told me to ring a taxi for myself as she had to clean up……the real reason was she didnt want me spending the night with her….I was heartbroken

    Like Kate loves to bring me to family occasions and partys.Her fam love me and my fam love her. Her older sis is her idol…her God…her hero. ANYTHING her sis does Kate then does the same……… and her older sister got with her now husband at 18.. Kate met me when she was, yep u guessed it 18! See any comparisons??

    AFFECTION…..Affection is another major issue…Like she has never ever ever kissed me spontaneously while sober in 3 years! never!!!!! When we sit together with a dvd she hates me putting my arm around her or touching her as its “uncomfortable” she gives the same reason if i ever try and spoon. All she ever wanted since she was a lil girl was a dog so on our first anniversary I spent £400 on a shih-tzu puppy…she was sooo happy…that dog is now her life! when I dropped the puppy over to her, her eyes lit up and she nearly cried with joy…..BUT did she kiss me to say thatnks??? Did she ****!

    NIGHTS OUT…When we go clubbing with our mates she spends the whole night dancin g with her girls and hardly looks at me! My best friend is going out with her best friend and they are inseprable

    I know yee are all reading this an assume shes cheating on me but trust me shes not…we live in a tiny town and I know she aint with another guy, Id nearly prefer she was..the truth is she just prefers watchin tv with her dog then spend time with me.

    Yee all prob think I should dump this girl….But the thing is I love her sooooo much I get goosebumps when we meet. She says she loves me to and claims shes just not the affectionate type…I guess all i want is her to love me the way I love her, I do believe she loves me but she just aint IN love with me. (Ive said that to her and she goes mad) I really want to leave my hometown and travel but really dont want to lose her but I also feel like shes not worth putting my life on hold for. But im afraid ill arive in oz, hate it miss her and want to come home! Im desperatley unhappy but like an old fool ive got this hope inside me that one day she’ll change and become the girl I want her to be, I need advice on should I dump her and if i should then how do i move on and forget her? what if shes the one??? My biggest question is yes shes obviously not into me but then why the hell is she with me for 3 years? shes an attractive girl like why doesnt she move on? whats she getting outa this?????

  • Mackenzie P:

    ok to start im 19 my husband 22.. next saturday will be a year that we have been married.. but hes been in mexico since june 18th, 2008.. he had never cheated on my to my knowledge while he was in the united states.. we were always together so idk when he would of had time.. but i went to mexico in december to jan. and he has a cell phone down there…

    well my number didnt have my name it had our neices.. and he had girls numbers in the phone.. well when i lookedat the text messages he had wrote not just to one but to 3 girls saying i like you i miss you i want to c u and calling them sexy and precious.. we talked about it when i was down there.. stories changed all the time.. he told me at 1st that he didnt know the girls the #s were just in there from the guy he got the phone from…

    well today he finally started talking.. he told me that the one girl was just a friend and that they talked and she lived with her bf.. and one day she called him and asked him to come over b/c she was sad b/c her and her bf got in to a fight.. so he went over there and he said they talked about me and how much he missed me and all and she knew that he was married and such.. but that they kissed only like to times and he touched her but she had him stop and she didnt touch him cuz she didnt want to and they did not have sex.. i dont really beleive him and now when i try to talk to him he never wants to talk… he gets all defensive… i did talk to his sister and she asked me what was wrong and i told her but she said not to worry cuz now he isnt seeing anyone.. his mom jumped him about it when she sound out.. but when i asked him if he had feelings for her he said no but then when we were talking about it and he was with all the guys he said she was alright and they did nothing but f*ck.. and he laughed and said he was kidding.. he wont tell me nemore about the other girls though.. he suppose to be coming back in nov. but i told him i just want him to come back in june or july since his sisters wedding will be over then but now he is saying that he doesnt know if he wants to change his life.. he says his family is all in mexico and he already left them once and he doesnt know if he wants to leave them agian.. and i told him im not going forever only coming to mexico every 6 months so he said that he would think about what he really wanted.. but we already talked about it and i said i would move down there but not for like another 10 years or so..

    i did tell him that when/and if he comes back we need to just go to marriage consueling and he said that he would.. but im so confused with what i want.. do i really actually want him or not.. most of me is saying yes to try and work things out but them theres a part saying no.. saying you keep your word and was faithful he should of too.. i said i only wanted to get married once and never divorce… i made a prmise to god and to him until death… i told him that if he just told me the truth and felt sorry and could change then maybe i can try and forgive him… but if nothing works out how do i get over him.. hes my first everything.. hes my second serious bf but my first real love.. my first partner in every way.. but if i do find all the truth how do i work on forgiving him and continue love? how do i move on if not? how do i get him to communicate openly with me?

  • Jermaine J:

    So there is the story….I have met a guy through on-line dating ,he is in the army with 2 more years on contract. We dated for about 13 months.Everything was great chemistry,sex communication and friendship we built that upon our relationship. I have been hurt by my ex husband so I was very careful but slowly let go my guard.He is not only a a lover to me but also a great friend. He motivated me to start my Law degree at the University once again, and always drives me towards my future career calling me future lawyer etc. I feel like a women and he treats me like I always wanted from my ex but never experienced. I fall in love with that guy,never told him, though he told me he knew I fall in love….till since few days ago all of the sudden he came over and announce he is off to Afghanistan for 3 months. I was shocked and upset,however he mentioned possibility before I never took it seriously.Before he left we spent few days together, he told me will be in touch and time pass quickly and also that he will miss me and he told me things about his past relationships with one girl particularly in his past where he got disappointed he thought she was cheating so he left her then try to come back but it was never the same eventually he left her and called off engagement . But also he got involved after with short time flings with many women. .I got to the conclusion that he might have problems to commit.

    I was went so sad cried for few days ,he then started to telling me that he might go away again to base in Germany for 18 months.He told me about his past relationships and I got into conclusion that he has problems to commit for longer periods of time, however he claims he respects me and appreciates me a lot . He started saying he aint deserved and I’m too nice for him but also mention that he might find me a replace ,good man to make me happy.

    He said when he goes to Germany we will be in touch as he does not want loose me out of his life.I do realise he cares for me but he might be scared of the distance and mentioned few times that I will find a new man after him.
    I know I love this man .but I just don’t know how to read his talks towards me. Is he trying to assure me to leave him or he wants to keep me in his life as an option when he finished serving in the army. We both in our early 30.

    He told me he did not want to hurt me by leaving,but he has no choice ,as its his job. I just feel like neither of us is ready to walk away from this and he is scared that he got attached to me,as he told me he never let himself emotionally attach to previous women he was dating for shorter period of time.

  • Stevalicious:

    I was with my ex for close to 4 years… He was my best friend, my confidant and I’ve never been more comfortable around anyone my entire life… He makes me laugh, cry, he drives me beyond crazy…I miss every minute being with him. We broke up about 7 months ago over something stupid and I thought we could just use some time apart to think about things…turns out I took too long to tell him how much I need him… He reconnected with his first girlfriend and I found out he’s dating her. She is still married and leaving her husband for him shortly. I would be able to let it go and try to move on except we stay in touch and he has been there for me thru everything since we broke up. He tells me he cares about me, that I made him the person he is and he will always know that I will be a big part of his life forever. 3 weeks ago he tells me he had a fantasy about me and we ended up sleeping together…made things so much worse for me. He has his new girl and I’m sick over him… I need to get over it but I don’t know how… I just feel bad for his new girl since he’s already cheated on her…help!

  • RuMKilleR:

    well guys i m sorry in advance as i m writing a long detail as i wanted to put my heart out to u all for help. me and my husband dont talk to each other at first i always said sorry for everything may be it is his mistake or mine. but now i feel like my emotions are dead. i m tired of waiting the love from my husband side. for the last 3 months we are not talking to each other neither i feel like as i know he will abuse me if i ask for anything . here is my story.
    m 29 years old women married for 5 years to a man 5 years older than me. we had a love marriage however i love my husband very much but just because of his over practical nature of not showing love (as he believes it will lessen his value in my eyes) i always yearned for love. even before our marriage he used to want to touch me more and talk less however i was a girl with a lot of dreams about my marriage. then i thought it to be a part of his love but after marriage i realised that he is not totally interested in sharing feelings showing gestures of love. if i tried to hug him he just push me aside saying that “be mature now, we r married. concentratre on other things i m not going anywhere.” i always feel that he is fed up with me. whenever he wanted me physically i never refused but he never showed me love the way i wanted like caring me if i need him, if i was ill etc.even then i tried to be a good wife and did whatever he wanted to show him my love for him. but then i dont know what happened . i had such situations that i fell for another man after 3 years of my marriage.and i dont know why i feel attracted towards that guy if i love my husband very much. now he tells me that he loved me earlier but didnt showed.but now he hates me. i am repenting for the last one and half year for this . i always beg his forgiveness for me but he says” u r a characterless wife for me, i dont need u anymore. live in this house just for our two kids and forget about me.” I DID NOT HAVE any physical relation with that guy . it was just a kind of talking sweetly. he praised me , showed me concern and care, encouraged me at work.i dont know why i felt so relaxed and happy talking to him. he was my colleague and now he is transferred somewhere else. i dont have any contact with him now neither i want to have any. i m also feeling my fault to be a sin.however i never let him touch me and always talked about his family whenever he wanted to show interest in me coz he is also married. but i don’t know what kind of force it was that i could not stop talking to him in spite of my husband’s instructions. here i did the mistake of disobeying my husband and he found on my cell that i still talked to him after that i didnt call him and broke up all contacts with him..but my husband doesnt trust me and says” u will repeat it. i dont trust u. dont try to touch me ar show me love.” i m not that kind of girls guys. i even didnt have any boyfriend in my unmarried life before my husband. i always felt uncomfortable in boys. i dont know why i did such a blunder. can i bring back trust and respect in my husbands eyes? ( i myself told my husband about my attraction towards that guy as i could not cheat him. but even then i could not end that affair immediately which was my biggest mistake. this was only after 3 months that i stopped talking to him and since then i m suffering. i m also afraid that the other guy may spoil my image before his other friends however he is transferred now.) is there any hope? will god forgive me? i want to get back my husband.

  • Seth:

    I belong to a very orthodox family. I got married 4 years back and had very abusive marriage. My ex husband was physically abusive. We went through a mutual divorce as he wanted to get married to someone else. during this period of time. my friends and family helped me to over come the pain and concentrate on my career. i had shared my pain to one of my closest friend who happened to fall in love with me. initially i told him im not ready for another marriage yet. but his caring and love changed me. i eventually fell in love with him, we almost had a livein relationship and use to spend time for 12 hours a day together. i loved his attention alot. he was very possessive and never allowed me to talk to anyone. it was hard as i work in cmml5 mnc and im a lead in my project. we never discussed our future, but more than 2000mails,600 intimate and love mesgs, phone bills and pics together tht shows we were in relationship and were serious. suddenly his parents fixed him a marriage with a girl he doesn’t like. i was ok with it as i wasn’t ready for marriage yet. i asked him to get married, as planned we decided to breakup after my bday as we planned for that spl day. however the marriage got cancelled as they came to know abt us. he blames me as i told those girls relatives which is not true, he never told me who are they and i never asked him, i loved him too much but we are from different culture. he proposed me again after his marriage was cancelled , however we decided to get married this time to avoid unorthodox talks abt our characters, we discussed on how to married and how to convince our parents too.. i have mentioned him many times tht i cant step back once i confront my parents regarding him. he was quite confident then, he was suppose to talk to my parents and somehow i got a call from his elder sister asking me to forget him. and he too said he cant manage at home and informed to tell my parents tht “he cheated me”.. i cried and tried to explain him. but he never moved, it was strange to see him tht way. sudden change in the person i love broke me up. he stopped calling me. so i posted all our pics and note abt our relationship in facebook and tagged him. so that his family and friends would know. i also changed his access to his password for both facebook and gmail. now im in no contact with him. my brother and uncle tried to call them but there was minimum response from them. i dont find any use of contacting him. he is hiding himself not in touch any common frnds. i feeling devastated. i tried to kill myself but it will only prove me wrong. i feel literally used by him. and unable to work being a lead in mnc it is hampering my status in office. and most of our common frnds know abt us. i dont want any guy to misuse my name. it has damaged my imagine and name. either i want to marry but it doesn’t seems to positive now. i want to sue him because wat he did with me was wrong. im devastated because i was already broken up and he was there as guide and molded me into him. as my best friend i trusted and loved him blindly. i loved him eachtime he proposed me. but wen i agreed i dont understand why he did this to me.
    1: i want to know wat will happen now if i file case on him
    2: i cant walk into a ps and file a case, as i belong to a very big family.
    3: can i file a case thru court ?
    im completely broken now and mentally not able to face anyone. i never wanted to be in such situation that a man cheated me used me literally for over a year. even he belongs to typical orthodox family. where women are not allowed to even work. its been a month now since i spoke to him or heard anything from him. its been a month since i went office as im not able to face anything now and im broken to the core. i want to know how to file a case now.
    i hate to move on. i want him to know htat girls arent use and thro

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